Return to Home Page
Staff Writer
The good news is that Catholics don't have more guilt than members of other faiths. The bad news: People across the board experience too much guilt.
Susan Kaplow, facilitator of a "Forgiving Yourself" workshop sponsored by the Albany diocesan Consultation Center, has noticed that many religions have members who feel self-guilt and cannot forgive themselves about minor faults and even things they didn't do but that happened to them. That is especially true of women, she said.
In her counseling practice, she has noticed that many people hold on to anger and guilt about their failures, no matter how small they are; but they forgive others even when they have really been hurt or disappointed.
Virtuous guilt?
Ms. Kaplow believes that people are less forgiving of themselves because of the misconception that "it is more virtuous, moral and upright to not forgive oneself. People feel like they are letting their moral standards go by forgiving."
She said that religion can sometimes cause people to believe that self-forgiveness is wrong. "Religious upbringing has a lot to do with it. This is true of many religions," she stated.
But she also notes that human forgiveness and the forgiveness of God are very different. "Forgiveness of self and forgiveness from God are two separate things," she said. "We can't forgive in the same way God can."
Damage to self
Without self-forgiveness, she continued, people can interfere with their spirituality. "Without self-forgiveness, we can close down our spiritual life," she said. "It can cut us off from our spiritual connection."
Lack of forgiveness can affect people psychologically and emotionally throughout their lives. "We become stuck," she explained. "Sometimes, people are stuck on one particular thing, like a crime, abuse or something they said. When we're stuck in unforgiveness, it's difficult to understand what to do next."
Another drawback to holding onto self-guilt is becoming alienated from society. "When we're guilty, we're separated from everyone else," she said. "We miss the oneness with others. It's tremendously painful. We're living with a distorted view."
Overcoming guilt
Ms. Kaplow said there is hope for overcoming this problem:
* The first step is to notice the way one feels about self. "Most people are really unaware of their level of harshness toward themselves," she said. "Noticing this is a good first step."
* The next step is to develop a positive practice and repeat it as often as necessary. Such practices can include prayer, meditation or repetition of an affirmation. "This is really important," she said. "It creates a willingness to make the change."
* Finally, the use of the arts can play an important role in learning self-forgiveness. "Things that are beautiful open our hearts," she explained; "like when a certain song comes on the radio, you feel different. It helps soften the harshness."
(Susan Kaplow will facilitate a workshop on self-forgiveness, Oct. 8, 7-9 p.m., at the diocesan Consultation Center in Albany. The workshop will include discussion, music, meditation and art to help participants learn about self-forgiveness. For more information, call 489-4431.)
Return to Home Page