Staff Writer
For those who are grieving, the holidays can be a particularly difficult time, but friends and family can help them make it through this season, according to experts.
"The holidays accentuate the fact that the person is not there," said Mary Jo Morrison, family service coordinator for Griswold, Baxter and White funeral homes in Schenectady County. "In stores and on television, we see families together, love, togetherness. It makes [grieving people] feel alone."
While grieving is as individual as each person, there are some things that can help many grieving people cope with holidays:
* "It is so important for friends to be present listening to them talk about the person," she said. "A vast majority want to talk about the person."
Family and friends may be wary about mentioning the deceased during the holidays. However, Mrs. Morrison finds that avoiding mention of the deceased is like having a horse on the dining room table that everyone can see, but no one speaks about.
* Sister Kay Ryan, director of the diocesan Family Life Office agreed. While cultural differences play a role in the comfort level of talking about the deceased, many bereaved people welcome the acknowledgement.
She advises supporters to recognize that the holidays may be a difficult time and let the bereaved know that they are willing to listen, or even saying to the bereaved person, "This is a hard Christmas, I miss grandpa." That can provide the family with the opportunity to share their thoughts.
This attentiveness can be especially important the second year after the death, Sister Kay explained. Many people expect the first year to be filled with confusion and the second year to be easier. They are surprised to find that the holidays can throw them back into more intense grief.
* Both Mrs. Morrison and Sister Kay agree that friends and family should offer to help the bereaved by offering to do specific errands for them. For example, Sister Kay said, friends can say "I'm going to the mall. Can I pick up anything for you?"
Inviting the bereaved's children over to make cookies, or baking cookies and taking them over are other examples of helpful activities.
"It's not a good idea to say, `Let me know what I can do' because it's too hard to think of anything," Mrs. Morrison said.
* Family and friends need to be flexible when dealing with the bereaved. For example, if two couples always went out for a holiday celebration and one of the couples has died, ask the partner if they still want to go on the outing or if they'd rather go to lunch instead, Sister Kay said. Or if the bereaved used to host the holiday meal and would rather not, family members should accept that decision.
* New traditions may also be developed that include the memory of the bereaved. For example, parents of a deceased child may buy gifts for a child in need, or a family may decide to light a candle during the meal to symbolize the presence of the deceased.