Whenever major politicians, major networks and major government agencies put their noggins together and come out smiling big cheshire grins, you can bet you're in for a major headache.
At the White House recently, President Clinton announced that he had brokered a deal whereby the TV networks would guarantee to air at least three hours a week of educational shows for children. The Federal Communications Commission was assigned the job of regulating the programming to make sure the networks comply.
Everyone smiled brightly in self-satisfied delight as they examined the plums on the ends of their thumbs. To which, I can only say, in full confidence and based on long experience: "Run for your lives -- and take your children with you."
Tried before
My memory goes back too far for me to believe that anything significant will happen as a result of this deal. I can recall, for example, the creation of the family hour, a supposed safe zone in the early evening when children and parents could watch TV without being subjected to masturbation and premature ejaculation jokes. The family hour now includes shows like "Friends," which is rife with such material.
I also remember, just a few years ago, when the networks said they would clean up their acts. ABC was so sincere in its promise that it established a hotline that parents could call to find out the contents of a program they were considering. Have you ever called that phone number? Have you ever heard ABC promote that number? Does that number even exist anymore?
I think it was 1-800-fooled-you-again.
Prediction
With that background, I can predict exactly what will happen in the coming months:
1. The networks will begin working really really hard on supplying three hours of educational programming per week. Realizing that amount of time is a minimum, they will not exceed it by a single nanosecond.
2. Sweating from the effort, the networks will redefine their Saturday morning cartoons and live-action shows as educational. After all, as the monsters travel through space, they name all of the planets on their way to blow up Earth. That's educational, isn't it?
3. Wagging its finger, the FCC will remind the networks that such trickery is not acceptable. Then it will fall back into the deep coma that seems to afflict its members, who have such a difficult time bestirring themselves to accomplish anything of significance to improve television and radio in any lasting way.
4. If re-elected, President Clinton will find another issue to occupy his time. Not needing to run for office again, he will assure his supporters in Hollywood that the pressure is off. Since he has done it so many times before, no one will notice that he has changed his mind. If Bob Dole is elected president, he will not want to continue a program put into place by his predecessor.
5. Lulled to sleep by a new season of TV shows, parents will forget what they were upset about in the first place. Their children will resume watching whatever they want to, in the privacy of their bedrooms, while mom and dad zone out in front of the Sony in the family room.
If you think that the above will not happen and that the networks sincerely want to educate your child, even if it means losing revenue, then step right up and look at what I've got in my hand: the actual deed to a famous suspension bridge. And it's all yours for a small pittance....